May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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