i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
