Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
