Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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