it hurts more in the daytime
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
