i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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