Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
