my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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