I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
