all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
