idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
