It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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