I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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