What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
smell my finger.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
