My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
