If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
