Got a toothbrush?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I woke up under a house in Key West
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