Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
