your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
