so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
my being single is dangerous.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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