We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
