I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
