you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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