I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
