I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
