if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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