Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
