I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You can't just leave with hair like that
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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