hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
