Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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