I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
