I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
