so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Randomize
