last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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