My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My liver just broke up with me...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
