im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
