I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
