Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
