i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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