Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Randomize
