It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
