I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
