the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
