I swear god or herbie drove my car home
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
