it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
PANTIES FOUND
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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