and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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