He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
