I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
