Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
