I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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