I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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