She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Randomize
