it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
