mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
